Cheesy, by Amber Averay
My cat has real cat-titude. While purring his heart out and relishing all the pats I could manage without any limbs falling off due to exhaustion, I cooed lovingly, ‘You’re so beautiful. You’re lovely. You put the “purr” in “purr-fect”.’ Well, the little shit froze, looked at me with such bald affront, then swung his paw back and smacked me across the face.
Lucky for me his claws were sheathed. Lucky for him he’s cute.
He’s also a bit of an overachiever where melodrama is concerned, and he’s a cunning little menace hiding behind a sweet fluffy face.
Take the other day, for instance. He was meowing by the back door, but it was raining. I told him he needed to use his litter tray in the laundry. He met my gaze, held it as he walked to the bookcase, then angled his butt toward the books and raised his tail. The threat was obvious: let me out, or I pee on your books.
So he went out to do his business. Came in sopping wet, and we ended up chasing him around with paper towels trying to dry his wet fur. When we finally caught him he froze, gave a pathetic little squeak, and flung himself to the floor as if in a dead faint. If he were human, I’m sure he would have had his hand draped theatrically across his forehead.
From being a kitten, whenever he sneezed I would say ‘bless you’. If I ever forget, he glares at me and fake sneezes until he hears the magic words. He sits in the bathroom in the middle of the night and sings because he likes the acoustics. When I walk in on him he looks at me with absolute surprise, and I’m sure, if he could, he would say, ‘What the hell are you doing here?’
If we tell him off, he retaliates by waiting until we’re distracted and then leaps onto the back of the couch and smacks us across the top of the head. If he wants treats and we say ‘no’, he grabs them from his food box and carries them to me, drops it at my feet, and pushes it with his paw until it is right on my foot.
He has cat-titude. He seriously puts the ‘purr’ in ‘purr-fect’. And no matter how cheesy that is, I still say it to him, regardless of the punishment it gets me.
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